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The Questionnaire

Updated: Nov 27, 2018

Since I haven't been asked to appear on James Lipton's, Inside the Actors Studio (yet), here's my version of the infamous questionnaire inspired by Bernard Pivot, the host of the French television series, Bouillon de Culture:


1) What is your favorite word?

Donnybrook is a favorite word because it takes what is essentially a violent act and makes it sound like rollicking fun for all. Life is one big donnybrook. I also like Bikini. Not only is it the happiest-sounding word, it veils, and thus, beckons me toward the glorious wonders that rest just one, tiny drawstring away. Interesting and Excrement both make the cut as well. In no particular order and not necessarily together. You would think, with all the cerebral films I enjoy, I'd have something more high-brow to say but, mixed in with all the philosophical discourse, lies a man who is a never-ending surprise. To some.


2) What is your least favorite word?

There are three main culprits here; hyperbole, doppelganger, and pituitary - as in the gland. These words are just too excessive.


3) What turns you on?

The beginnings of long journeys with uncertain conclusions, female nakedness and anything just prior to that, and the latest electronic equipment on the market, of course.


4) What turns you off?

The general stupidity, selfishness, and injustice that shrouds humanity. How's that?


5) What sound or noise do you love?

I love the sound of unintentional, gaseous emanations when echoed in public restrooms. I also love the sound of, "Dad," especially when accompanied with a tone of embarrassment or skepticism.


6) What sound or noise do you hate?

The silence that follows a rather long bout of laughter.


7) What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt?

Architect. And International Spy and Man of Mystery, for sure.


8) What profession would you absolutely not like to undertake?

Anything nine-to-five-ish. I think.


9) If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

I'd like to see an old, Japanese scientist with thick, round-rimmed glasses peek out from behind a Tardis control panel and say, "So sorry. Pressed the wrong button. Sending you back now." What's more likely to happen? God stares incredulously at a clipboard as he proclaims, "There goes the neighborhood."


Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door


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